Lisa Marshall’s Four “A”s of Self Care

Accept

Accept help when someone offers something, anything. This will encourage them to ask again and get you in practice for saying yes more often.

Ask

Ask for help before you need it, being proactive rather than reactive after you’ve unraveled. When we wait too long, our thoughts become insurmountable, and we begin to feel alone and sad. Before burnout begins, enlist someone to help.

Articulate

Actually

Articulate precisely what you need. Perhaps you have a personal doctor appointment and you cannot take your loved one along? Maybe you simply need a nap to recharge? Does the dog need to be taken for a walk? Does a phone call need to be made that you simply cannot get to? A small errand, like the post office?

Even after developing this theory of good intentions, It was hard for me to kick start, so I needed to somehow hold myself accountable. When someone asked, “Please let me know if you need anything” I made a demand on myself. Instead of offering the usual empty promise, “Ok, I will”, I made a difficult demand of myself. I responded differently, with just one word. “ACTUALLY”. That one word caught my friend’s attention, they literally perked up, excited to hear how they could be of assistance. By saying, “Actually” it held me accountable to actually ask for something I needed. The first few times were cumbersome, and I soon realized I needed to have a mental checklist of some things that I could always use help with. Here are a few things I always kept on my list:

  • A meal for my freezer. Often by the time dinner time rolled around I was too exhausted to cook. Going out to dinner was becoming too confusing for Peter and too tiring for me.

  • An hour or two alone in my house. This was by far my favorite ask. Friends would come and take Peter for a walk or a run or bowling or out for lunch. The quietness of having the house to myself was heavenly. Sometimes I would blare my favorite music and dance around. Most times I cleaned up Peter’s piles of fidgets and photos and shoes and things he insisted on displaying on every surface. I prefer everything in its place, so this gave me great pleasure to clean and feel organized again. Peter wouldn’t notice, he’d simply get everything out again, but I enjoyed a few hours of tidiness.

  • An hour or two away from the house, perhaps lunch with a friend or a manicure, or a walk, anything!

  • Can you run to the store for me? It became harder each day to get Peter in the car, to the store, through the store, back in the car, and home again. Having someone pick up a few items was incredibly helpful

  • Take the trash cans to the street. Early on, Peter was able to maneuver one of the trash cans and we did the task together, but eventually, he could not understand what to do and would usually rifle through the trash instead. If he did manage to pull the can to the street, I worried about the cars and his safety. Imagine trying to haul 2 large trash cans to the street yourself while trying to keep a child out of harm’s way. Eyes dodging back and forth between task and toddler. Peter somewhere between unaware and feeling inept.

  • Can you have a glass of wine with me and just make me laugh. Laughter is lovely medicine.